


I'm Sorry For (The Person I Became)

by Selenai



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Character Death, F/M, Grief, Infidelity, Kinda, M/M, Mourning, Polygamy, Science Boyfriends, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-24
Updated: 2019-07-24
Packaged: 2020-07-19 05:10:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19968556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Selenai/pseuds/Selenai
Summary: Bruce has always followed Tony. Tony and Pepper. He's loved him as long as he's known him. So what now? How can he deal with loss when the loss is so painful?Endgame Spoilers.





	I'm Sorry For (The Person I Became)

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't written in this fandom since forever, and it's obviously not my usual fandom, but I had this in my head. It turned out completely different than I anticipated. But I still am fond of it! All comments welcome, but if you hate it... well. It's okay.

One large hand came up and cupped a curved cheek, thumb brushing against a full, pouting lip before he leaned in and kissed Tony gently on the mouth. Those full lips curved up into a small smile, a soft look that was reserved only for the people closest to him. 

Bruce’s breath caught in his throat as he stared down at the man that had worked so hard to finally open him up to the world. Dark eyes stared up at him, a little curious, a little amused. Those lips, that goatee, curved up in a grin. Bruce had never seen anything that had ever made him want to just freeze the moment, memorize it for the rest of his life. It wasn’t a super power he possessed, but it was one that he would make every effort to humanely protect. This was his Tony. The Tony only he got to see.

“What are you staring at, Big Guy?” Tony asked, amusement clear in his voice as he lifted a hand to brush a curl of hair out of Bruce’s face.

“Something I can’t solve,” Bruce replied cheekily, grabbing at Tony’s hand. “I’m just wondering how you can be so sweet in the bedroom and so… annoying, outside of it. And why-- how you can be brilliant outside of it, and a complete dunce in it.”

One thin brow raised, and Tony tilted his head at Bruce. “What on earth are you even talking about? You think _I’m_ the conundrum? You. The guy that turns into a big green monster when his heart rate gets too high, or he gets overly pissed off? Oh, wait, I’m sorry, you’re _always_ pissed off. At least out there, right?”

“Ton--” Bruce began, but it was too late. The man that had taken to being his lover since the end of the attack on New York was already beginning to sit up, looking a little frustrated. 

“Is this because we’re not… what do you kids call it nowadays? Out?” Tony asked, pulling his hand away from Bruce and running it through his own hair, mildly annoyed.

Bruce felt his cheeks warm and he rubbed at his face, mildly frustrated. He wasn’t that great at putting his feelings into words, one of the reasons his relationship with Betty had failed. Well, that and the fact that he’d had to live terrified that either he’d break her in half or her father would murder him. 

He lived with similar fears with Tony, only… it was worth it. They’d never really sat down and spoken about what it was that they were doing. Only that something was there between them-- an attraction, a feeling… something. But outside of the bedroom they all too often found themselves in, it was like they were just best friends. Bruce had to deal with Tony’s other interests, like Cap and Pepper.

Well, nowadays Pepper wasn’t as much a factor. Tony had already messed that up for himself, but Bruce knew, deep in his gut, that if she came calling Tony would leave him in an instant. Regardless of attraction. Bruce knew that this feeling, this ache in his chest, was his alone.

He never should’ve gotten involved with Tony. He knew that that guy was a womanizer (and maybe a guyanizer if that was a thing), and that he was in love with Pepper. There was nothing wrong with that, but recently, the longer he spent time sneaking in and out of Tony’s bedroom, the more he found something was happening to him.

His anger, the anger he’d spent so many years building and moulding into the perfect defense strategy, was melting away and he was becoming… domesticated? He no longer wanted to run every time something jolted his awareness that he was a monster. Because the ache in his chest, the feelings that were building there, proved to him that while he may turn into the Hulk, and that the Hulk was a monster, the part of him that was Bruce Banner was not a monster. He was just a man. A weak one, at that.

Just a regular guy who was freaking out because he was questioning his sexuality over his attraction to the guy who would probably be named the World’s Sexiest Man Alive in whatever gossip magazine still did that. He always was. Millions of people desired Tony, and yet… Tony had chosen Bruce. Had led him into that bedroom the first time they’d slept together.

He’d kissed him on the mouth that first time, maybe to prevent his panic attack from furthering along, and letting the Hulk take over the aircraft, or maybe because he’d been thinking about it for a while now. Like Bruce had been.

They had so much in common. They made sense. Except for that Bruce had to stop himself from getting too excited and turning into a beast that could easily kill Tony, and Tony loved someone else. So they were equally weak.

Bruce would never understand how Tony was able to push aside his love for someone who clearly loved him back in order to be so tender and… sweet with Bruce. For a few hours every night for the last year and a half, he’d had moments with Tony that had made him feel precious. Human. Appreciated.

Except that they had all been poisoned with this moment right now-- standing at Tony’s wedding. Watching him marry Pepper and knowing that in no way, for the rest of his life, he’d be able to enjoy one of those moments. Bruce wouldn’t be an escape for a married man who ought to have known years ago that he wanted one thing and not a messy make up of more than one thing.

For all Bruce knew, there were more guys. Maybe Clint or Cap or even Rhodey for all Bruce knew. He had never been the special one, so why would now be different?

But he just couldn’t, well, stop. He cherished those hours. They were fewer and further between now, but that didn’t mean they had to stop.

Days in the shop trying to figure out how to make the Avengers stronger without breaking the law. Trying to figure out how… well, they didn’t get much of anything done.

And then there were days like the ones following the Snap. Where Tony had been missing, and Bruce had just known, among doubters, that Tony wasn’t dead because he was able to feel it deep in his gut that no matter what, Tony wouldn’t leave him behind without proof. He’d known that there would be a sense of loss unlike anything else if Tony had been erased from humanity.

He was just… too far to save without help. But he would come back. Tony was invincible, right?

Bruce just had to work on a way to be stronger so that he would be able to protect people without help. And without destroying the world that he was trying to protect.

He was succeeding. He was working on the transformation into the big green guy being a mutual decision.

And then Pepper had sought him out, a couple of months after the Snap, to tell him that she was pregnant and everything had sort of melded away, disappeared in a fit of rage and confusion and loss and despair.

He’d run away for a long time, turning into the Big Guy and honing his strength in private, in safety, trying to forget stolen moments, stolen kisses, stolen-- everything. Trying to forget that while Tony had been everything to him, he’d been just a piece in a very big machine to Tony.

Always with the machines. Tony was so predictable. When he’d been saved by Carol Danvers, he’d felt vindicated in saying ‘I told you so’ to all the naysayers that had told him every day that Tony was dead.

Now. Now Tony was back and Bruce, body mixed between big Hulk and himself in a mixture that no one had ever suspected possible but that had nicknamed ‘Smart Hulk’, had gone to see him-- well, he’d expected repulsion. He wasn’t the same man he’d been when Tony had disappeared. He was both stronger and weaker at the same time.

“Bruce, buddy--” He’d started, taking a step closer to him.

Bruce had lifted a big, light green hand, and had taken a step back. “I can’t-- this is too precarious--”

Tony, always the daredevil, had moved into his personal space regardless of the danger. He’d put his own small hand in the big green one and had lifted it to his mouth to press a kis over the hairy knuckles. 

“It’s okay. I still--”

Bruce had looked away and had shook his head. “Don’t say it.”

“I mean it, though. I missed you, Big Guy. Thinking about you and Pepper got me through some rough times.”

Bruce closed his own dark eyes and sighed. “You’re a father now.”

Tony tensed and nodded. “I know. I’m--”

Bruce shook his head for what felt like the bajillionth time. “Don’t apologize for that. It’s nothing to be sorry for.”

Tony sighed himself and relaxed. “Then why do I feel so bad?”

Bruce snorted. It was a little bit harder to avoid turning greener than he already was. Tony was holding his hand, though, and that was helping. But how in the hell was he not disgusted? “Because you’ve been cheating on your wife since before you were married and now you know I can’t do it to you anymore?”

Tony’s expression twisted and he squeezed Bruce’s hand a little tighter. “You were never just a fling to me, you know. I wouldn’t have risked… everything, for a fling. I honestly--”

Bruce pulled his big hand away and cradled Tony’s cheek the way he had all those years ago. This time his hand was so big that it could have covered the whole expanse of Tony’s face. Dangerously. One squeeze and it could all be over.

“Please don’t say it.” Bruce pleaded, feeling a little like his heart was going to explode out of his chest with how hard it was pounding. He could hear Hulk in the back of his subconscious roaring for attention.

“You should hear it at least once, don’t you think?” Tony said quietly.

“I’ll hear it one day,” Bruce argued. “From someone that means it.”

“I mean it.” Tony argued, tilting his head into the hand.

And now-- now, just months later, Bruce was standing at the water side, staring at Tony’s little family, feeling hollow. It was Tony’s funeral.

He’d thought he’d understood love when he’d had to leave Betty at the first battle he’d really been involved in. He’d thought… ‘I”ll never love someone the way I love her’. And then when Tony had disappeared he’d thought… ‘I have to tell him I love him when he gets back.’ and he hadn’t. And now… all he could think was… ‘I never told him I loved him and that he was enough as he was.’

He was gone. This time, unlike the last time, he felt that ache in his entire body. He hadn’t ever wanted anything more than he wanted to rage out into full on Hulk and destroy some buildings until the grief was a little eased, but he couldn’t.

People needed him, and Pepper… right now, Pepper and her child needed him. The people he’d avoided for so long, ever since he’d found out that Pepper and Tony were getting married, needed someone that had loved Tony as much as them. That they needed the piece of Tony he’d carried inside of himself all those years. Only he could understand what she was going through, and as painful as it was… he needed to do it for Tony. Tony who had never known just how Bruce had felt about him.

When the funeral was over, Bruce had moved closer, in a couple of long strides, to where Pepper and Morgan were sitting as Happy set up the final message that Tony had recorded for them. He stood next to Pepper, resting a little of his weight on the couch, and Morgan shifted closer to her mother. Their faces were red like they’d been crying. Bruce hadn’t cried yet. It wasn’t something he was willing to do.

He rested a hand on Pepper’s shoulder and she turned her head to offer him a small smile. “Bruce--” she began softly.

“I’m sorry, Pepper. I shouldn’t have taken so much of his time.” he said all in one breath.

She smiled a little sadly at that and placed her hand over his big one, a little like Tony had, and sighed. “He couldn’t help the way he felt about you any more than he could help the way he felt about me.”

Bruce’s whole body tensed, and he jerked up, the couch shaking beside him a little bit. Pepper wrapped her free arm around Morgan. Bruce thought she was starting to look more like Tony every day. “You--?”

She sighed at him. “I thought you were a genius? Of course I knew. Tony and I had no secrets.”

“Well, that makes two of you,” he said softly, swallowing hard. “You’re not angry?”

She shook her head at him and tilted her head towards her daughter. “Does it look like he didn’t have enough love for all of us?”

Bruce blinked several times. The tears he’d been holding back ever since Tony’s death were building in the back of his throat. “I-- he never-- I didn’t know that he felt that way about me,” he admitted.

“Wow, you really are stupid,” Pepper said with a small laugh. It sounded a little hollow. “It’s okay. It took a long time for him to say those words to me, too.”

Happy came into Bruce’s peripheral vision, and he wrapped a large arm around Pepper as the video began to play.

“... I love you three thousand.”

His chest ached as Tony’s hologram turned to face the three of them. At that moment, even though it was wishful thinking, he could imagine that those words were also meant for his benefit.

He’d never be able to tell Tony that he was sorry for pulling back. That he was sorry he hadn’t been there fast enough to protect him. That his own Snap hadn’t been powerful enough to save the world. That he wasn’t the Chosen One.

That he’d never actually said the words.

Everyone else had left the house after the final holographic words and it was just Bruce and Pepper standing there. Staring at each other. Morgan had been put to sleep by one of the other members of the group, and the longer that Pepper and Bruce stood there staring at each other, the more Bruce was sure he was going to lose it. He’d held it together for so long.

He just… couldn’t let himself fall apart. Pepper didn’t need that.

Speaking of Pepper, she also looked like she was going to fall to a thousand pieces. Her legs were shaking and she was leaning heavily against the couch.

Before Bruce even realized what he was doing, he was stepping forward and wrapping his arms around her, pulling her into his tight embrace. She collapsed against him, her arms coming around his middle as she clung tightly to him. 

“I’m so sorry, I can’t even--” he murmured softly against her soft, red hair. She smelled a little like Tony. He could almost, for a half a second, imagine that it was him that he was holding. Only, she was trembling in a completely different way than Tony ever had.

He’d never seen anyone so vulnerable. Carefully, albeit easily, Bruce lifted her off her feet and carried her to the seat of the couch where they sank down together into a heap. The couch groaned a little with the effort, but didn’t give out the way most of Bruce’s cheaply made furniture did.

“It’s nice to know someone else… h-has to know how this feels,” she said shakily, tears still rolling down her cheeks.

Bruce swallowed and took in his own trembling breath. “I know how this feels. I knew it the moment he left us. I’m just-- I never told him how I--”

Pepper lifted a shaking hand to cup Bruce’s big cheek, wiping away a… was he crying? “He knew.” She said firmly.

Bruce looked down, he felt so uncomfortable having this conversation with her. “How do you know?”

He’d come here to comfort her, and there she was… infinitely stronger than him, comforting the big green monster. It was no wonder Tony had settled on her. She was completely different from how Bruce remembered her.

“He told me. Before we got married. That he was in love with two people. One was me, and the other was the smartest man he’d ever met.”

Bruce leaned against the back of the seat, covering her hand with his. “I should’ve let him, that time he tried to tell me-- I think it would’ve been easier for me if I’d heard it from him.”

Pepper shook her head. “No. It would be harder if you had to relive the last time he told you he loved you.”

Bruce sighed heavily. “I think it’s hard no matter what. We’ll just have to-- we have to-- do _something_. Maybe we can bring him back? The stones, I mean-- there has to be a way.”

Pepper closed her eyes and let out a soft breath as she leaned closer to press their wet cheeks together. “He’s saved us more times than we ever should’ve asked for. We’ll just have to… accept that. He was ready to go. He was so tired, Bruce.”

Bruce clung, carefully, to Pepper and let the force of emotion take over him. He was shaking, and big, wet tears were cascading down his cheeks to where their faces were pressed together. “I’m sorry I wasn’t good enough to save him.”

Pepper swallowed hard and shook her head, never pulling away. “It’s okay, it’s okay. You’re going to save us all now.”

Blinking away the tears that still blurred Bruce’s vision, he carefully pulled back. “How?”

She smiled sadly at him. “With me and Morgan. We’ll have to parent her together, don’t you think? One day we’ll tell her about how her dad had so much love he saved the world with it. And then the two people he loved most came together to make his daughter into the strongest, smartest person she could be.”

Bruce closed his eyes again and soaked in the comfort she was providing him. “Are you serious? You’d invite me into your family after everything?”

“I can’t-- I can’t do this alone. Morgan deserves to have all of her father’s love. He loved you. It’s what I want. Please, if you’re really sorry that you took part of him away, do this for me.”

“I-- She looks like him, you know. It’ll be painful to see her everyday and know that I’m part of the problem, not the solution.”

Pepper gripped his hand tighter and firmly said. “You are the solution. You’ve always been the solution. Together we grounded Tony, gave him something to live for. You were the only one that could match him intellectually, and I was the only person that could match his bullheadedness. Neither of us would’ve been enough on our own. He needed us both, and we both needed him. That’s all there is to it. Just… let it be. Live. We’ll live together. We’ll save his memory. He’ll live through us. It’s what he would’ve wanted.”

Finally, it made sense to Bruce. How Tony was able to love this woman so much. She was so-- she was something special.

“Okay. We’ll keep him alive together. Morgan will have a full life filled with love, and then maybe Tony will know, wherever he is, that I loved him back.”

They stayed like that, holding each other, until they were both so exhausted that sleep overwhelmed them, and they gave into the enemy that was dreamless sleep.

Bruce didn’t know everything. He was a smart guy, but there had always been things he’d not been able to grasp. This was one of them. But he trusted Pepper to lead him through this dark path to one filled with light and forgiveness. He would know love again. Even if it wasn’t the same sort he’d always hungered for.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Kudos and comments help me want to write more, and make me feel like a boss!


End file.
